5'6" 115lbs All of Me

After years in prison, and a long crawl through a sewage tunnel, Andy Dufresne is free. Arms out, head up, rain on his face, he is free.

Andy hoped. The whole damn movie, he had so much hope. He believed that he was in a place that he didn't belong. He believed there was a beautiful life waiting for him. There was something inside of him that was untouchable.

Andy: That's the beauty of music. They can't get that from you... Haven't you ever felt that way about music?
Red: I played a mean harmonica as a younger man. Lost interest in it though. Didn't make much sense in here.
Andy: Here's where it makes the most sense. You need it so you don't forget.
Red: Forget?
Andy: Forget that... there are places in this world that aren't made out of stone. That there's something inside... that they can't get to, that they can't touch. That's yours.
Red: What're you talking about?
Andy: Hope.

Even though there was no reason to hope, and often there is not, he held onto it. That is how I want to live my life, you know? I want to hope. I want it to drip like honey. Hope is no guarantee. It works hand in hand with risk. It is what it is because there is a chance you won't get what you want. But there is so much beauty in that. Regardless of the outcome, that is the way I want to live my life.

I want to believe in something. I want to be someone who believes. I want to be free. And like Peter, who stepped out of the boat, I might fall. But for a moment, for a brief second, he got to experience the extraordinary. And for longer than a moment, before and after, he got to live in the Hope of complete freedom. Hope, sometimes, isn't for a reward. Often Hope itself is the reward.

What the hell are we so afraid of? I mean, really think about your life. Really. Is there so much to lose? What is the most that can be taken from you? Your life? God forbid, you might have to actually die to yourself, right? God forbid, you might actually have to lay down your life? There is more freedom in the death of your ego, the death of everything you are holding on to, than anything else. RISK! Just step out of the boat. Do you really want to be one of the others, wide eyed in the boat, while Peter got to walk on water?

Man in Black: Why aren't you afraid?
Desmond: Excuse me?
Man in Black: ...Why aren't you afraid?
Desmond: What is the point in being afraid?

Be free, friends. And take me with you. I am foolish. I forget. I fail. I succeed. I dance. I cry. I wallow in my self pity. I celebrate. I am afraid. I am courageous. I am incredibly inconsistent and I am a paradox. But I hope. I hope with all of me.

I hope. My whole damn life, I hope I'll have so much hope. I believe that I am in a place that I don't belong. I believe there is a beautiful life waiting for me. There is something inside of me that is absolutely, absolutely untouchable.

After years in prison, and a long crawl through a sewage tunnel, I will be free. Arms out, head up, rain on my face, I will be free... I hope.

Quarter Life Crisis

So my two best friends are now married. Two of them in a week and a half. They both have degrees, are starting families, and moving forward with their lives. What am I doing with mine?

Now, it would be easy to read this and try to give me tons of feedback on why I can't compare myself to others, and how I am doing plenty with my life. Yes, this I understand. But I can't get myself to FEEL that way, even if I understand. So, beyond getting talked out of it, this is what is going through my head as of late.

It makes me feel left behind. I've had plenty of friends get married. My brother is getting married. I'm fine with all of this. And while I celebrate wholeheartedly the forward motion in Lance and Daniel's lives, it becomes more real to me when it is the people I have lived with, done life with, discovered with, and journeyed with.

I am not married. I am not in a relationship. I am not going to school. I am working a job that is good enough, but that I am not passionate about. I had to quit ministry. Yes, a lot of this comes down to my health. I DO NOT, by any means think that these are the number one things in life or that I have to have these things to achieve purpose or happiness. I don't sit around wanting to be married, and I don't sit around wanting a girlfriend. I'm not beating myself up about school. But, none-the-less, I feel left behind.

Regardless of how it is achieved, I want my life to have purpose and lately I have felt very purposeless. I'm pretty sure I am having my quarter life crisis, and while it creates inner turmoil, I can only hope that it causes transformation in my heart and the desire to risk. While it is a struggle, I hope that it changes me. Maybe having a panic time to look at my life is exactly what I need. Maybe I am already moving forward.

Ask Again

If you let your pride get in the way of your pursuit of people, you're missing something wonderful - an essential piece of the kingdom. No one owes you anything - including the desire for you. But you have something to offer. And walking away by the suggestion of your hubris, you are denying someone - everyone - the chance to be transformed by the presence of God in you.

Icarus

Lately my roommates and I have had a ‘seize the day’ theme. Cliché words, I know, but the idea of seizing a day can never become old and overdone. Last night we made cupcakes and delivered them to people we love, around town. The cupcakes turned out worse than we wanted, took longer than expected, and we probably didn’t need 6 of us to deliver them (I rode in the trunk).

So today, Devin looks me in the eyes at about 2 this afternoon, and asks, “How are we going to seize the day today?” We looked out the window and saw the trees full of excitement. “It’s windy,” he says.

I’m four feet off the ground, with Flu holding me down, the wind fighting him hard. I land and we both get dragged about 30 yards. The wind picks me up again, this time eight feet off the ground. Flu (6’6”) is holding me at the waist with full arm extension. Then I’m tossed to the ground. We are dragged again. If he lets go of me, I have no clue what will happen.

“Let’s fly a kite…”
“Yeah… that sounds fun…”

It wasn’t until Devin suggested that we get full face helmets, that I realized it wasn’t such a bad idea. Flying a kite is okay, but flying a 12 meter, $1,000 kite, complete with harness, in 30mph winds, is reckless. We were in a reckless mood.

I feel alive when the skin is stripped off my wrists, my legs are still shaking from the adrenaline rush, and Devin and I are being dragged behind Flu as we try to stop him from floating away.

Consider today seized, cliché and all. This doesn’t even include Sean on train tracks with helmet, Sean breaks into a car, or Sean jumping off 15 foot balcony in an effort to rescue his bedding, during a blanket heist. I rescued it.

The Progression of Devin's Sushi

Devin (Resident Badass) decided to do homemade sushi today. Ingredients included: Cucumber, Carrots, Avacado, Crab, Nori, Rice (vinegar, salt, sugar). Lets say there was a learning curve. Here it is documented by pictures.

Attempt #1:

Attempt #1:

Lets just say it didn't take long from there, for Devin to break out his mad Sushi skills. Attempt two was success:


Best night ever! (I ate the first one)

You're Gonna Want To Be On My Good Side

I broke a receiver once by simply touching it. They said it became overrun with electricity and just shut off. This happens to me often, frustratingly often. I have fried watches, computers, cars, video game devices, car stereos, receivers, and TVs. The other day my car broke. It just decided it didn't want to start anymore after it had been working perfectly. So I borrowed Daniel Carter's car, drove it to Panera, came outside, and it wouldn't start. Today at work, the desktop wouldn't work. It made this strange beeping noise and refused to start. Luckily I brought my laptop. Turns out, my laptop starting making this burning smell and probably could explode at any minute. I go through about five computer chargers in a year, and two batteries.

I was beginning to move from frustrated to mad, when I realized I needed to see the glass of milk half chocolate, instead of the glass of milk half skim. If there is ever a computer uprising in this world, if nano-technology, A.I., or anything else tries to overrun mankind, I will be the chosen one. Suddenly I'm not so frustrated anymore. See! If you look hard enough, things aren't so bad... maybe.

We've Been Given Superpowers

I've always known that I was gifted. My whole life I have been so lucky that I was surrounded by people who made sure I knew. I have a lot of talent in a lot of different areas of my life, and my gifts have provided me with courage. From day one I knew that my heart and my desire to give it away, make me who I am. I've always known I was a special kid.

If you don't feel this way about yourself, you're missing something huge. We are all special kids. And as cliche' and bs as that sounds, I absolutely mean it. We were created to be extraordinary, to do something, to change this world. You are brilliant and you are beautiful, but that isn't enough. You have to give it away.

It never seems that simple though does it? First you have to know who you are. Then you have to be inspired. Every single day that you wake up, look for something to inspire. Get fired up about life, about living. And then go out, open your heart, and offer yourself. There are few things I believe, as much as I believe in the people around me. You are incredible.

Love big, and give yourself away. Be inspired and change the world. If you use those gifts and talents only for yourself, then you are being selfish. I want to hear stories about the lives that you have changed. And you will forget, and you will fall down. I feel like the last five years of my life have been forgetting and falling down. So, maybe this is more for me than anyone else; but just the same, go.