The Knee Bone's Connected (?) To The Hand Bone (?)

Dramatic? Yes. How I really feel though? Absolutely.

Here is a transcript of my conversation with Dan, in regards to how my body currently feels, after two soccer games. One of them at goalie, one not. Please don't roll your eyes at me.

Dan: Mmm yessss. Did you hurt anything this game?

Sean: Nothing like... specific, I guess.

Sean: I'm limping around like a sap

Sean: But I think that's just because I think my body can do things that it cannot. And I do them anyways. And I pay for it

Dan: The limp seems to be the thing to do tonight. you mean like the splits!

Sean: Yep the splits was one of the things that my body can't do that I did anyways. Additionally, I am pretty sure I run faster than my body can.

Dan: Was your body falling behind

Sean: It was like... hmmm... Let me think of a good example.

Sean: Imagine like a transformer running, in transformed mode. And it is running so fast that like the metal starts to break off. Right? And as it is running wires and circuits are busting. Pieces fall off. The arm goes. The legs go.

Sean: And then the whole transformer starts to just roll

Sean: NOW

Sean: Replace metal with muscle and circuits with blood vessels. Wires and pieces with bones and veins. Then keep the skin so that it holds it all together. So when my muscles and bones and veins and blood vessels break off, they still stay in there, because the skin holds it in.

Sean: so basically I am a good looking kid (and I am) but on the inside I am absolute mush.

Dan: did you fall while running?

Sean: I didn't fall while running (this time) and no I am not saying that either... I am saying: Imagine apple sauce. Pause a moment.

Sean: Just imagine a giant bowl of apple sauce. Tell me when you do. Got it?

Dan: Yes

Sean: THAT is my insides. Right now!

Sean: Applesauce

5'6" 115lbs All of Me

After years in prison, and a long crawl through a sewage tunnel, Andy Dufresne is free. Arms out, head up, rain on his face, he is free.

Andy hoped. The whole damn movie, he had so much hope. He believed that he was in a place that he didn't belong. He believed there was a beautiful life waiting for him. There was something inside of him that was untouchable.

Andy: That's the beauty of music. They can't get that from you... Haven't you ever felt that way about music?
Red: I played a mean harmonica as a younger man. Lost interest in it though. Didn't make much sense in here.
Andy: Here's where it makes the most sense. You need it so you don't forget.
Red: Forget?
Andy: Forget that... there are places in this world that aren't made out of stone. That there's something inside... that they can't get to, that they can't touch. That's yours.
Red: What're you talking about?
Andy: Hope.

Even though there was no reason to hope, and often there is not, he held onto it. That is how I want to live my life, you know? I want to hope. I want it to drip like honey. Hope is no guarantee. It works hand in hand with risk. It is what it is because there is a chance you won't get what you want. But there is so much beauty in that. Regardless of the outcome, that is the way I want to live my life.

I want to believe in something. I want to be someone who believes. I want to be free. And like Peter, who stepped out of the boat, I might fall. But for a moment, for a brief second, he got to experience the extraordinary. And for longer than a moment, before and after, he got to live in the Hope of complete freedom. Hope, sometimes, isn't for a reward. Often Hope itself is the reward.

What the hell are we so afraid of? I mean, really think about your life. Really. Is there so much to lose? What is the most that can be taken from you? Your life? God forbid, you might have to actually die to yourself, right? God forbid, you might actually have to lay down your life? There is more freedom in the death of your ego, the death of everything you are holding on to, than anything else. RISK! Just step out of the boat. Do you really want to be one of the others, wide eyed in the boat, while Peter got to walk on water?

Man in Black: Why aren't you afraid?
Desmond: Excuse me?
Man in Black: ...Why aren't you afraid?
Desmond: What is the point in being afraid?

Be free, friends. And take me with you. I am foolish. I forget. I fail. I succeed. I dance. I cry. I wallow in my self pity. I celebrate. I am afraid. I am courageous. I am incredibly inconsistent and I am a paradox. But I hope. I hope with all of me.

I hope. My whole damn life, I hope I'll have so much hope. I believe that I am in a place that I don't belong. I believe there is a beautiful life waiting for me. There is something inside of me that is absolutely, absolutely untouchable.

After years in prison, and a long crawl through a sewage tunnel, I will be free. Arms out, head up, rain on my face, I will be free... I hope.

Quarter Life Crisis

So my two best friends are now married. Two of them in a week and a half. They both have degrees, are starting families, and moving forward with their lives. What am I doing with mine?

Now, it would be easy to read this and try to give me tons of feedback on why I can't compare myself to others, and how I am doing plenty with my life. Yes, this I understand. But I can't get myself to FEEL that way, even if I understand. So, beyond getting talked out of it, this is what is going through my head as of late.

It makes me feel left behind. I've had plenty of friends get married. My brother is getting married. I'm fine with all of this. And while I celebrate wholeheartedly the forward motion in Lance and Daniel's lives, it becomes more real to me when it is the people I have lived with, done life with, discovered with, and journeyed with.

I am not married. I am not in a relationship. I am not going to school. I am working a job that is good enough, but that I am not passionate about. I had to quit ministry. Yes, a lot of this comes down to my health. I DO NOT, by any means think that these are the number one things in life or that I have to have these things to achieve purpose or happiness. I don't sit around wanting to be married, and I don't sit around wanting a girlfriend. I'm not beating myself up about school. But, none-the-less, I feel left behind.

Regardless of how it is achieved, I want my life to have purpose and lately I have felt very purposeless. I'm pretty sure I am having my quarter life crisis, and while it creates inner turmoil, I can only hope that it causes transformation in my heart and the desire to risk. While it is a struggle, I hope that it changes me. Maybe having a panic time to look at my life is exactly what I need. Maybe I am already moving forward.