Girls… Yuck

That’s right. I said it. Recently I’ve been trying to go through this healing process. I haven’t really let myself like a girl for some time now. In my defense, I’ve come close. Even recently I’ve started to tell myself that part of healing is risking, and when I have an inkling, to let it in. Usually this is the opposite from most guys, who have issues with trying to fulfill their life with girls. I however, try to fulfill my life with independence. I asked God if I can be single for my whole life. The response was the realization that intimacy, giving myself away, love and affection are a few of my gifts. I’d be wasting a great opportunity if I just walked away.

All of this being said, to pursue a girl involves risk. Healthy risk is freedom, and it is a gift. To risk for someone is one of the greatest things you can offer them. I’m sitting in a coffee shop right now, next to one Lance Atkins, and one Daniel Fluharty. Jason is in the corner with his headphones on, unknowingly performing a concert for us. At the encouragement of all three of them, I have been instructed to risk on my instinct of wanting to ask out the girl across the coffee shop. Seems like a good idea, but for whatever reason I can’t bring myself to do it. A barony of myself wants to, but I won't. What is it inside of us that says no to risk? What is it that seizes up? I mean, honestly I have nothing to lose. If she says no, she says no. If she says yes, well… that might be worse than her saying no. That realization should probably reveal a lot to me about the wounds and walls around my heart. Risk. It is a horrible, beautiful, scary, wonderful, uncertain, freeing thing. It’s a shame that I am unwilling to do it. Here’s to hoping I heal.